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Let it go.....

Happy Monday ladies

So today was incredible, powerful session with one of the strongest women I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, followed by a blast on the sober sesh programme

Then I raced off to see my boys allergy doctor and who walks passed us - an estranged family member. We haven’t spoken in months since I called him out on his absence in my children’s life and then bollocked him for trying to gaslight me.

He literally walked passed his family as if we were strangers. Luckily my children didn’t recognise him so they were unscathed.

I felt a stirring of old feelings start to resurface and I reflected on how ‘old me’ would’ve coped with this situation.

I’d have repeated the experience over and over in my head, each time becoming more removed from the reality.

I’d have created internal dialogues and pseudo outcomes based on made up scenarios.

I’d have called several friends to reverberate my version of events, looking for vindication and validation.

I’d have put the kids to bed and opened a bottle of wine. I’d have continued to ruminate.

My emotions would’ve bubbled up and I’d have undoubtably sent a desperate text that I’d have woken up to regret.

I’d have stayed in victim mode, fuelled

by the stress hormones and stimulants released by my brain to counter the effects of alcohol and amplified by a shit sleep.

I’d have sabotaged tomorrow before it even began.

I’d have thrown petrol on a fire that was lit long ago and then I’d have wallowed in self pity. I’d have created more excuses to open another bottle of wine tomorrow, to take the edge off.

New me coping looked different.

I saw the situation for what it was.

I recognised my children were not impacted - which didn’t turn into an excuse for me to self sabotage.

I didn’t create an alternative experience.

I didn’t call anyone.

Now, I’m sitting in bed with my favourite book and I’m ok.

Being sober doesn’t fix the problems. It doesn’t enable escapism from negative emotions.

But it does massively improve my ability to cope.

It allows me to sit, feel and then keep it moving.

It allows me to show my children better.

It allows me to be free.

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